For the Fangirls
by Radiant Pencil
Summary: It may seem mean and it may seem cruel, but I have seen the state of most LoK fanfiction and it isn't pretty. Here's my spoof of it all. Read it in good health.
1. Chapter 1

For the Fangirls...

Chapter One: Prelude to Fanon Overdrive

After a long hard day of meddling in other people's affairs, Moebius the Timestreamer retreated back into the more comfortable chambers of his mountain cavern labyrinth. He flopped tiredly into his chair nearest the flaming cauldron and he pulled out a book. Now this was no ordinary book. It was a key to all life on Nosgoth (or at least the more important bits) and was forbidden in many regions.

"And this will turn the Soul Reaver into a cardboard tube? Ha! I'd like to see Kain cut my head off with that!" he exclaimed happily. Buying the 'Legacy of Kain: Strategy Guide' had been a definite boon to his scheming and twisting plots. With it, he believed he might have the edge to better serve his god. He laughed again and began to read more deeply into the text. What was this about turning Raziel into a cute little midget sort of a fellow...?

"Is the 'naked Janos' code in there too?" a voice called out from behind him. With a scowl, Moebius turned in his chair to glare at who had spoken. Didn't that damn peasant see the sign outside that said 'No Divinations and Fortune Telling after 6 p.m.'? When he saw the bold intruder, he gasped and then trembled. Indeed, Doom had come to Nosgoth for standing before him were the Fanfiction Fates, three anthropomorphic manifestations of certain aspects of the fanfiction universe. He had only met them once, long ago during a chronoplast lock-in party. All he really remembered was waking up with a raging headache, surrounded by glitter, deflated animal balloons and spilled ale. What a night that had been!

Standing foremost of the trio was a tall girl with a look of disdain upon her sharp, pretty features. She had long black hair and she wore a leather dress that left nothing to the imagination. Moebius knew that this was Darkfiremoon, priestess of Hakritar (a country never heard of but undoubtedly right next to Nosgoth). She was always destined to be captured by one of the leading vampires and to be used as a slave in some really hideous and sadistically graphic sex. Hers was not a kind fate, for though she would end up falling in love and marrying her captor, she would die in the sequel, inspiring at least 20 contemplative songfics to follow.

Standing meekly behind her was the dread being known as Miko-chan. She was dressed as a typical Nosgoth peasant, though for some reason she had cat ears. Her eyes were large and glassy and her blue hair was prone to being blown about in an artistic fashion during times of emotional overtures. She oversaw the peculiar breed of authors who just couldn't seem to keep their Japanophilia out of their stories. Out of the three, she was perhaps the one who made him the most uncomfortable, for she was always asking questions like, "How long have you and Mortaniusu-san been together?" and "Do you suppose the Elder God had his way with Raziel-chan before he let him dissolve in the Abyss?"

The third was simply known as Jessica, the Self-Insertion Technician. She looked like a regular girl from a regular home (if, in case, your home was Earth) and she oversaw all fanfictions that dealt with certain equations, such as 'girl from real world is teleported to Nosgoth' or vice versa. She always meant well enough, the Timestreamer supposed.

"What do you want?" he demanded. He saw Miko-chan reach out to fiddle with some complicated-looking glass instruments and he barked at her not to touch anything. She drew back her hand back quickly and sank to her knees. Tears began to spurt in great gouts from her humongous eyeballs.

"Wah-ha-haaaaa!" she sobbed, "Moebiusu-san yelled at meeee!"

"How could you, you mean old geezer?" Jessica asked, comforting the cartoonish girl.

"Oh, it's quite easy," he replied, "Why are you here?"

"We are here to use the Chronoplast," Darkfiremoon announced, stepping forward. With each step, her breasts threatened to topple out of her dress and Moebius didn't know whether to gawk or to laugh and point. He decided to look away as she continued. "We need to use it in order to change Nosgoth for the better. You see, it lacks certain...elements...and we mean to fix that."

"We want to bring peace, love and understanding to all of Nosgoth in the name of fangirls everywhere!" Miko-chan exclaimed, jumping up and striking a pose.

"But we'd better do it quick, because I have a big test tomorrow and my mom will kill me if she found out that I stayed up all night," Jessica stated.

"So let me try and better understand this..." Moebius said, pacing back and forth, "You want to use MY time-streaming device in order to induce homoerotic sadism with a pinch of romantic comedy?"

"It's far more subtle than that!" Darkfiremoon hissed and Moebius scoffed.

"Yeah!" Miko-chan said, piping in cheerfully, "We just might be able to save the vampires from getting cursed by the Hylden! We might be able to rescue Janos-chan from being thrown down into the void! We might get Kain-san and Razii-chan to be friends! We might even get to see them naked!"

Moebius pondered over this for a minute, though ignoring the girl's hentai requests. If by allowing these nutjobs use of his device, they just might be able to render his enemies so completely out of character, he could achieve his diabolical plans all the more easily. He sighed, knowing what kind of chaos would initially ensue...but the end comes, beyond chaos. He grinned to himself and turned to the eager trio.

"Very well. Do as you wish," he relented.

"Glomp!" Miko-chan cried, crushing his lungs in a mighty embrace.


	2. Chapter 2

For the Fangirls...

Alteration One: Spread your Wings and Fall

Darkfiremoon found herself tied to an exquisite four-poster bed. She shivered, her shredded dress barely covering her. She could barely remember the events leading up to her capture. The council...the invasion...the slaughter of her convent. What was she to do? Surely she had been kept alive only to satisfy her captor's carnal desires. Her purity...her chastity...all that she held sacred was about to be violated by an undead beast.

"Are you comfortable?" a wry voice asked. She looked toward the doorway and saw Raziel in all his pre-Abyss glory. He was clad in a pair of black leather pants and not much else. He cast aside his half-cloak and his bare skin was as white as alabaster. He tossed his dark hair and smiled wickedly, spreading his new wings.

"You may have my body but you'll never have my soul!" Darkfiremoon vowed and shifted into a more comfortable (and provocative) position. He crouched over her and pressed his lips to hers in a brutal kiss. He chuckled when he saw her furious expression.

"You must hate me right now," he murmured, nuzzling into her neck.

"The goddess Hennig teaches us not to hate, but to understand," Darkfiremoon said stoically.

"Who?" he asked.

"The goddess Hennig," she explained, "Patron deity of Hakritar,"

"Where?" he asked. His pretty features were scrunched up in confusion.

"It's where I'm from, remember?" she shouted, "You invaded us when we refused to be annexed to Kain's empire!"

"Did I? Huh..." Raziel shrugged and resumed his manipulations. She sighed and supposed that non-original characters would have a hard time adapting to her 'alternate universe' idea. She had used the Chronoplast in order to put herself in such a position...though she would never admit it. Eventually she found herself moaning softly along to his attentions. All too soon he stopped and looked her long and mournfully in her eyes. Darkmoonfire knew what this meant. She figured he had just fallen in love with her, seeing as how pretty and brave she was being...even though they had known each other for all of five minutes.

"What else does your goddess say?" he asked throatily.

"To love and cherish all others," she replied.

"Could you love someone like me?" he asked dryly and nipped at her lip.

"Especially someone like you," she answered.

"Oh Firemoondark!" he exclaimed and kissed her, "Tell me you'll love me!"

"Darkfiremoon!" she hissed.

"Huh?"

"My name is Darkfiremoon!" she said.

"Okay," he said and resumed what he was doing, which was inexplicably naughty to be sure. Much to Darkfiremoon's dismay, the door burst open and in strode Miko-chan.

"Kawaii, Razii-chan! You've got such cute wings!" she cried and jumped up and down, giggling absurdly. She grabbed his wings and began to dance them about, singing J-Pop nonsense.

"What the devil..?" he growled and tried to claw her away. Unfortunately for him, she was immensely strong (she was a robot/schoolgirl/ninja after all) and was not done playing with the fun she had found. All he ended up doing was chasing her around in an agonized circle.

"Damn it, Miko!" Darkfiremoon hissed, "Get out of here! You'll have your turn next!"

"I thought it was my turn now," Miko-chan said, but not letting go of the furious vampire.

"No it isn't!" shouted Darkfiremoon, "I won the rock-paper-scissors! This is my turn! Now get...oh no...what did you do, Miko? What did you do?"

"Nothing..." she said, looking down at something very interesting on the floor. Raziel took this moment to give one last heave using all of his vampiric strength. There was a sound of ripping and crackling, interrupted by frantic screaming. Raziel thrashed about on the floor; his wings now a great bloody mess on his back. Miko-chan's eyes grew large and horrified and she was still clutching the ruined bone structure of Raziel's wings when she began to cry.

"Wah-ha-haaa! I broke Razii-chan!" she wailed.

"Miko-chan!" Darkfiremoon shrieked. "You've ruined everything! Untie me from this bed so I can beat you!"

"Hey guys?" a voice asked from the doorway. It was Jessica. "Moebius says Raziel's got to go present himself to Kain now," She noticed the whimpering mess on the floor and gasped.

"Oh crap, what'd you guys do?" she asked, "Moebius is gonna be so pissed! We weren't supposed to alter history! Now I'll never get Melchiah to spend the night at my house!"

"He was gonna lose his wings anyway...maybe we should just tell Kain we found Raziel like this when we got here," Miko-chan suggested.

"Like he'll believe that," Darkfiremoon snapped. "Why would you want Melchiah to spend the night at your house? He's gross! Get someone cuter...like maybe Faustus,"

"I like less-popular characters. Besides, Mel is nice," Jessica explained. "But enough of that! What're we going to do now?"

"We're gonna help out Kain-san and throw Razii-chan into the Abyss! Swoosh swoosh swoosh, he'll go!" Miko-chan said. Jessica shrugged and untied Darkfiremoon.

"We can't throw him in! I'm not done with him!" the priestess of Hakritar cried, rubbing her sore wrists.

"We have to! We can't alter history or else Moebius won't let us use the Chronoplast!" Jessica replied.

"Maybe we should ask Razii-chan what we should do!" Miko-chan suggested. The three fanfiction deities looked down at the prone, agonizing body of Raziel and decided that would be a bad idea.

"How're we going to sneak past Kain and the others?" Darkfiremoon asked.

"Leave that to me!" Miko-chan exclaimed. The other two sighed but relented. If the little anime girl was anything, it was a distraction.

Meanwhile, in the throne room of the Sanctuary, Kain was addressing his sons.

"So none of you know what this is about or why Raziel has been so secretive as of late?" Kain growled.

"No, Lord," Turel replied dutifully. "Perhaps he is going to show us the prize concubine he just captured,"

"When was that?" Kain asked.

"When you gave the order to invade Hakritar," Turel answered.

"Where's that at?"

"I have no idea, Lord," Turel replied, "But she's very pretty. Her name's Starmoonglow or something,"

"Good for him," Kain assented. "Now answer me this...why are Zephon and Rahab kissing?"

"I do not know, my Lord,"

Lo and behold, the two vampires were kissing as though there were no tomorrow. The squelchy smacking sounds were becoming louder and louder and it made everyone in the room very uncomfortable. Standing in a darkened corner of the chamber was Miko-chan, who was wielding her magic weapon...the Yaoi Wand! Not only could she render the most masculine character into a raging homosexual but she could...well...that's pretty much all. Oh, and it can make toast too. Maybe.

"Cease that at once, both of you!" Kain bellowed but he was ignored. He had recently taken to ripping off appendages and felt the time was appropriate to exercise his newfound hobby. Though he was disappointed at Raziel's failure to appear at his own summons, he was glad to have something exciting to do. He was, after all, fourteen hundred and thirty years old. He had to find amusement where he could.

"Stop, enemy of true love!" Miko-chan cried. "Do you not feel the happiness emanating from these two luscious bishonen? You dare to interrupt? You will have to stand and fight me, first!" She made a dramatic pose and pointed her awesome wand at the deadly, crouching vampire. She failed to fire, however, because she was too busy watching the two lieutenants in various states of undress. In a moment, she was pinned to the wall with the Soul Reaver through her middle.

"Hey, that's cheating!" she exclaimed.

"What manner of devil are you, wench? Your soul should have been consumed by now!" Kain growled and stabbed her again, to make sure the sword was working properly.

"My soul rages with strength! Don't underestimate me, Kain-san!" she cried. Kain stood back and watched the girl try to free herself from the sword pinning her against the wall and decided to go and get some more shiny, sharp objects to reinforce the whole theme. On his way to the stationary cupboard, however, he encountered Darkfiremoon and Jessica dragging a very wingless Raziel down the hallway.

"My Lord!" Raziel sobbed, "Make them stop! They're going to throw me into the endlessly swirling waters of the Abyss!"

"It'll save me a trip then," Kain shrugged.

"What?" Raziel cried.

"Well, you see, your wings were a sign telling me that I needed to throw you into the Abyss so that you'd come back as a soul-eating wraith and thereby fulfilling all kinds of prophecy," Kain explained, "Well, actually, I was just jealous of your wings but Eidos decided to tack on a storyline from one of their unsuccessful games onto this one. All kinds of wacky time traveling will ensue because of it. Fun, eh?"

"Um...not really," Raziel said.

"Too bad," Kain said, "Cast him in, girls,"

Deep within the mountains, Moebius saw what was transpiring in the misty liquid of his cauldron. He smiled to himself and stirred the contents...soon the chicken soup would be ready! He cackled to himself. He was being efficient today, watching the future through his dinner. He sprinkled a bit more salt into the mixture and sighed happily. Already it was beginning to work! Kain was becoming out of character. He had even said 'wacky'! It wouldn't be long now...

Author's note: I'm so very sick of typing out the entire word 'Darkfiremoon'. Will anyone mind if I abbreviate it? This storyis just total nonsense. Yell if I offend anyone, alright?


End file.
